Conflicting values or time issues for mothers

As a mother we are so often torn between what’s best or the right thing to do - do I look after something I need or something they need, do I say yes to them when it means I don’t get something I want, who gets more of my time each day/moment. It’s really tough and something that women who want to change their habits struggle with because them following their own desires or needs may mean someone else is going to have to be left waiting. Unfortunately this is really only true for women because of the inherent patriarchal construct of our society which tells us that “good mothers” put their children and partner before themselves and that they should lay down their needs to prioritise those of everyone else.

But this is a construct we can change. We have the objectiveness in our generation to see the damage martyrdom has done to our mothers and their mothers and we can put a stop to it. That starts not by stomping our feet and saying “hell yeah, I’ll do what I want” (although if you feel so driven to do that, please go ahead!) but by understanding how we can live in a way that’s authentic and true to ourselves and who we want to be in life without compromising or making others feel less than. We’re not trying to turn the tables and make others suffer, we’re trying to live in a more fully expressed way. 

Is it really a values conflict?

As a person you and I have values that are completely personal to us, they are what matters most to us in life and are not given by our families, religious groups or society around us. Values are the personal qualities we want to embody - “the me I want to be” - and are expressions of how we want to treat ourselves, others and the world around us. So for example, you might highly value being loving, kind and caring when it comes to your family. Then in the realm of health you might value being self-accepting, consistent and fulfilling. These are two different domains of life - family and health - and of course there may be a number more that are relevant to you.  

So if you have a dilemma of “do I set aside time for an exercise session or spend time with my kids” really we are actually looking at a conflict of time management rather than conflicting values. What this means is that you are not having to choose what’s more important to you, but actually you need to look at how to divide your time more effectively so that you are not having to sacrifice one for the other every time. This is why I recommend my clients plan for and set aside time in the morning to exercise and do what they need rather than wait until later when it’s much more likely you’ll have a time conflict that will make you decide what’s more important. When you set aside that time it’s also important to tell others who might be able to support you to fulfil that planning because you can tell them why it’s important which could also bring in other values if you have things like “authentic, open, honest, supportive” on your list.

When you see the fact that you’re torn by what you want to do as a time issue instead, it does become a bit easier, or at least less emotional to understand how to solve it.

If you set out to care for yourself and care for others in the same day, or even within the same few hours, your values are not in conflict, you still aim to care and the perspective you may be able to gain here is that you are more likely to be able to care more for your family once you’ve cared for yourself first.

Let’s consider that our time and energy is worth spending equally on ourselves as it is on others and take action from there - you are worthy of making a plan, asking for support, listening to what you need in each moment and to take care of yourself as a priority. Be the first generation to show your children that that is how things should be.